Lamenting the Past
by Bleachy-nii
Summary: While on an emotionally, stressful case Sara is forcefully shoved back into her past and the worse part is that her co-workers are there to see it all.
1. Chapter 1

**Title – Lamenting the Past**

**Disclaimer – I don't own CSI :(. **

**Summary – While on an emotionally, stressful case, Sara is shoved back into her past and worse her co-workers are witnessing it all. **

**Rating – T**

**Author's Note – This story takes place sometime between sixth and seventh season. Warning this story has disturbing situations. **

*** ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * **

Grissom stirred his coffee once more before looking at the case folders sitting in front of him. He showed up to the lab an hour early and was shocked to see only one case folder on his desk. Guess tonight was just going to be a slow night. The lab was quiet and yet flourishing with people running around with sheets of paper with test results for the newest cases no doubt.

Henry and Mandy were laughing over some joke Archie just made, and as usual, Hodges and Wendy came bounding down the hall arguing over some DNA that apparently is not possible, but Hodges believe it is a real print. Grissom rolled his eyes; they are always gripping about something.

He was just about to open to case folder when a squeak of a chair broke him out of his revere. Greg was smiling at him with a toothy grin from across the table holding a steaming cup of coffee no doubt from his special stash from Hawaii.

"You're here early." Grissom said taking a sip of his coffee, what Greg did not know could not hurt him. He smirked inside.

"Sara and I went out for burgers, well she had a veggie burger but it was still burgers and fries. She is on her way; she went to stop for gas."

Grissom raised his eye brow and nodded. He looked back down to the case folder and opened it. Greg watched as his eyes moved from side to side glancing over the printed words but as his brow began to frown Greg lost his grin. Grissom always had a poker face while dealing with crimes but when his face turned sour it was bad.

"Hey what's the 419 today?" Sara asked sliding in and plopped on the couch.

"You two lets go." Grissom said standing up and leaving the room abruptly.

Greg turned to look at a stunned Sara, "What would he have done had we not come in early?"

As usual the brunette just shrugged and followed her frantic boss out to the Denali.

"Griss what about Catherine, Nick, and Warrick?!" Sara shouted before she caught up with her boss.

"I'll call them, have them back up the rest of the cases coming in." He answered once Sara got in the front seat and Greg in the back.

The drive was tense, and not too far out. It was in the seedier part of Vegas and behind some apartment building. Grissom grabbed onto Sara's wrist before she could step out.

"Listen, both of you. This is a case you will probably never forget, so prepare yourselves…" With that said he cautiously stepped out of the Denali and slipped his sun glasses on.

Sara and Greg curiously followed along. The crime scene tape was around the street and cops were surrounding a dumpster writing notes and shaking their heads. Grissom was already there, stepping up on the crates put there and immediately his face turned to stone. Hesitantly Sara stepped up onto the steps next to Grissom and gasped holding her hand to her lips.

Inside was a tiny infant with a bloody umbilical chord still attached wrapped in a paper bag. The baby had tear streaks and horrible purple bruising around her tiny chest and arms.

"Did the Coroner pronounce?" Greg asked surprising Sara and Grissom.

"About twenty minutes ago." The young officer said quietly.

Sara gave a painful sigh and lifted herself up into the dumpster kneeling into the murky and wet trash she was able to get a good look at the infants face.

"Birth fluid is still on the baby and blood. Consistent with the mother giving birth and dumping the baby." Sara reached down and lightly picked up the baby, "I'll take the body back see if I can get Hodges to do a DNA test and find the 'mother'." She spat the word mother out and carefully lifted herself out of the dumpster with Grissom and Greg's help.

"Greg and I will process the scene."

She only nodded and caught a ride with one of the police man.

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

Catherine shook her head at the text Grissom sent her. Of course he'd keep her away from this case, a dead baby he was protecting her sanity.

_DB Baby found in dumpster. You're in charge tonight. Sara, Greg with me_

She looked over at Warrick and Nick, "Come on boys we got a 419 DB found in an apartment off of Harris ST."

"We missed out on the first party so we get the left over's?" Warrick pouted.

"Naw man, we make the party." Nick laughed.

"Come on, you guys don't want their case, horrible case." She frowned and walked out of the lab Warrick and Nick on her heels.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

It seemed like an eternity. Sara waited in the break room ignoring any sounds or people coming and going, she would only come out of her daze if Hodges came back with a match for the baby. A hand on her shoulder broke her out though. She looked up to find Grissom looking at her solemnly.

"I'm almost positive the mother threw the baby in there right after birth. We just need the DNA comparison and we'll have Brass pick her up for questioning."

"We need to have her examined for birth trauma." Sara spoke softly.

"I'll have the DA write the warrant. How are you? I don't think we've ever had a case like this."

Sara sighed heavily, "I don't know Grissom. The things people do… she could have done so many other things, like adoption, seek help all without involving parents if that was the issue."

"I know… that's what we're here for. We talk for the dead, even for the little ones."

"She… she was so light in my arms, she couldn't have been more then six pounds."

Urgent footsteps broke up whatever sentimental words Grissom was about to give, "I have the match, belongs to a Teri Miller. The Father is a Sean Matthews." Hodges looked at Grissom and then to Sara handing over the papers.

Sara stood up and looked at the papers Grissom was holding, "Not even married. Let's just bring the mother in see what happens." She said walking out of the break room with the two guys.

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

Her hair was wavy and golden blonde, it was splayed out framing her pale skin. Her eyes were milky, having the blood already run out. A huge puddle of blood surrounded her. In the middle of her chest a huge pipe coming forth from her back was apparently the cause of death.

Nick crouched down low to inspect her, "Pretty thing, but was this a murder or an accident?"

"We'll find out from Doc. Robbins, but for now I'm guessing it was a murder." Catherine said picking up a fiber from her tweezers.

"I wouldn't be so sure," Warrick picked up a marble, "I think she slipped on this."

Nick went back to the body, "Sounds about right…look at the swelling on her ankle, sprained."

"So either this was an accidental case, or somebody scared her causing her to slip on the marble and onto the metal pipe." Catherine stood up and walked over to the table where blue prints of sink piping were spread out.

"Vic lives alone, not much of an income, probably tried to fix her sink herself," Nick explained standing up and reacting the scene, "She walks over to the blue prints probably for some more directions, and if I'm in heels I'm not really going to feel a marble until I fall. So she slips sprains her ankle, and falls backwards onto the pipe causing her shoe to fall off."

"Sounds plausible but let's powder the perimeter for prints or shoe prints." Catherine said pulling out her power.

"Great, I'll help Super Dave get the body back to the lab and see if I can find anything that doesn't match our theory." Warrick spoke softly from the corner and headed out in search of Dave.

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

It didn't take long to get Teri here in the interrogation room but once she was in, Sara and Greg were behind the glass window watching Brass and Grissom take action. The girl was eighteen, skinny from stress but she still had her baby fat. She had dark rings around her eyes and was sickly pale.

"You were pregnant a few days ago were you not?" Brass started.

The girl shrugged.

"Test results from the hospital confirm you just had birth, tearing of the vagina, birth trauma, you name it." Grissom stated setting the folder down on the table for her to see.

"Okay… so I did give birth, but I gave the baby up for adoption." She said quietly shuffling in her seat feeling the pressure.

"What did you get lost on your way and drop the baby fifteen miles away from your home in a dumpster?" Brass said sarcastically.

"Somebody must have kidnapped the baby from the adoption center." She said coyly.

Sara shook her head in disgust and quickly began walking towards the interrogation room.

"Sara! Don't." Greg pleaded but she ignored him and continued on.

"Then why don't they have any records of you ever being there?" Brass continued on when Sara came tumbling into the room and slammed her hands down in front of Teri.

"You hurt that baby! Don't play stupid with us, you made a mistake and got pregnant and instead of doing the right thing you took a chance on the garbage man who was supposed to pick up the trash that morning! Well guess what, he called in sick, the other man didn't know that dumpster was there. You sick bitch why the hell would you hurt that baby?!" Grissom was on his feet after that statement and pulled her away from the shaking teen. Brass's eyes were slightly wide and was about to speak when Teri began.

"I-I didn't get pregnant on accident. I… I was raped."

Sara stopped struggling and started at her incredulously, "Raped?" She got out of Grissom's tight hold and sat in his chair, "Why didn't you ever report this? There is no documentation to support this evidence."

"Because I didn't know, I was at a party and got a date rape drug." Tears were streaming down her cheeks, "I found out I was pregnant and I couldn't tell my parents so I always wore heavy clothes, when the baby came it was so unexpected I gave birth in a bathtub. I was on my way to the adoption center, ready to make it anonymous but I freaked and set the baby in the dumpster in a bag. I … I ran I was scared!"

Sara shook her head, "You were on the right track… now we've got you for murder." She said quietly and stood up.

Teri screamed, tears streaming down her face, fingers wrapped tightly in her hair. Sara walked past Grissom and gave him a look and walked to the corner of the interrogation room.

Brass shook his head and hand cuffed the girl, "Come on, hopefully the courts will have pity on you for your rape."

Once they shuffled out of the room Sara sat in Grissom's old chair once again.

"Hey, you okay?" He asked touching her shoulder.

"I lost control, I'm sorry."

"It got her to talk…"

"What a life… what a difficult thing to bear, being raped and then having to bear that child. She must have hated it, despised the baby. But she was an innocent life. She could have had a chance at an orphanage."

"Come on, I'll buy you break fast. Everyone is going to meet us at the diner." He said helping her up.

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

Nick and Catherine finished processing the scene and met back up at the lab checking prints, which all came back to the vic.

"So Doc. Robbins said our theory checks out, I guess this was an accident. Did you guys find anything?" Warrick asked holding out an envelope for Catherine.

"Nothing, all of the prints in that house were hers. No fibers or anything suggesting there was another person in that house. It was just a sad accident. Poor girl only thirty – six." Nick shook his head.

Catherine took the envelope and wrote some things on it before sealing it up, "Well let's get this all wrapped up and head out to the diner. Greg, Sara, and Grissom are going to meet us there."

"Yes I'm starving!" Warrick laughed rubbing his hands together.

* ~ * ~ * ~ *

"So it ended up being an accident! I don't know if I feel better that it wasn't a murder or at how easy it is to die at the hands of well yourself." Nick grumbled into his breakfast burrito.

"Well it's a hell of a lot better then the case we had today. An innocent baby was murdered by a raped victim." Grissom said while taking a bite of his eggs.

Sara took a big gulp of her tea burning her mouth, "The suspect was raped and then took it out on her baby, even though that baby was created from a horrible person, she didn't have to hurt the innocent."

"I agree. It's my first case dealing with anything like this. I'm not too thrilled about more." Greg put his two cents in.

Warrick shook his head, "It's a damn shame what these people do to each other."

"I see Eddie in Lindsey everyday of my life, but I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world. I don't understand these women who drop their babies off and ignore them… it's disgusting."

Sara coughed and stood up, "I um… I have to go. I need some fresh air. See you guys later." She quickly pushed her chair back in its right place and left without as much as a glance behind.

Grissom frowned and looked at her untouched food, "She lets these things get to her… if she doesn't learn to put an exterior wall up she will self destruct."

"Poor girl, imagine if she had kids how she would react." Catherine sympathized taking a bite out of her hash browns.

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

Grissom came home after breakfast and walked Hank for a half hour before returning home to take a quick shower. Now as he lay in bed reading a forensics magazine he couldn't help but wonder what was on Sara's mind.

He scratched Hank's ears and laid down flat on his back closing his eyes. He felt the bed crease with someone else's weight and assumed it was Hank until he felt warm lips on his cheek. His cerulean eyes opened to see cinnamon eyes.

He smiled, he pushed her away for so long, and yet when he finally got his head out of his ass she still accepted him and gave him her heart willingly just as she had years ago. He was a fool, and he only now just realized that.

Grissom sat up and took her face in his hands, and for a moment he was silent. Slowly but lovingly he leant down and gave her a passionate kiss, trying with all of his might to prove to her that she was his everything, and no matter what he would always be by her side.

He broke away and looked her in the face, "I love you. I will always love you Sara."

A happy sob broke out of her chest as she fell on his chest, hugging him tightly. Her lips were kissing his chest covered by his shirt and he just continued to stroke her soft brunette hair. Her nimble fingers worked fast to unbutton his shirt and no more then seconds later she sat up and pulled her own purple tank top off.

Hank was no fool, he knew exactly when his parents needed privacy. So rather sluggishly he trailed out of the bedroom and out into the living room while the humans did their… 'thing'. He would sometimes lie at the end of the bed, but he always seemed to get kicked off in the middle of their passion. The only thing that ever mattered was each other during those moments. The floor was not an option since sometimes they got too noisy.

Sara collapsed on the bed breathing heavily and still tingling from the after affects. Grissom lay next to her breathing heavily also and lay on his back. Sara was quick to cuddle next to him wrapping her arm around his chest.

"Do you ever imagine what if we died and our team mates have to investigate our houses? What do you think they'll think of us when they find I really don't have a home and all traces of me are here… sex stains and all." She asked breathlessly still fidgeting from the tingling sensations between her legs.

"I don't know… I try not to think of that at all… I'd grow irrational or paranoid." He laughed lightly and kissed the top of her head. Good night Sara."

She smiled too when Hank came back into the room, apparently he knew they were done and bounced back up on the bed with them, "Good night Gil."

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

**Okay so this is my first CSI story… I'll try and work more on the cases but for now this will do. More on Sara's past is coming up! Yes Grissom and Sara are still hiding their relationship from their team mates. Review let me know what you guys think but just remember this is only a prologue the real story is coming up!**


	2. The Trial

**Title – Lamenting the Past**

**Disclaimer – I don't own CSI :(. **

**Summary – While on an emotionally, stressful case, Sara is shoved back into her past and worse her co-workers are witnessing it all. **

**Rating – T**

**Author's Note – This story takes place sometime between sixth and seventh season. Warning this story has disturbing situations. **

**Hey thank you to everyone who reviewed! I hope you guys find this story enjoyable. It is my first so this is kind of a practice round :)**

*** ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * **

"Honey it really doesn't look that bad." Grissom argued from the front seat of his car driving towards the lab and viewing Sara's deep purple bruise on her rib.

"Not that bad? Gil our dog used me as a trampoline!"

He smirked, he shouldn't but he couldn't help it. This morning he tried to get some, and he was pretty damn close, but it seems that Hank didn't like to wait to be let out and jumped on the bed on top of Sara just as Grissom was going to pull her pants down. It was an instant mood killer and with the dog barking and Gil's cell phone ringing, whatever sex drive they had that morning, was gone.

Catherine needed Grissom and every body to come in early, she would clue everyone in once they all got in. Grissom said he would pick Sara up on his way in to cut time short.

"You better give me the best sex I've ever had for this morning." She grumbled poking and prodding at the oddly shaped purple and blue bruise.

"Well I can't say I'll argue."

Things have been getting better for Sara. She was really emotional about the Teri Miller case and settled down after a week. Now a month later they received the notice of the court appearances of the acting CSI's that were involved in the case. Sara was jumbled by the documentation but only because she hated courts and lawyers. They always dug into your private life and brought the most unnecessary stuff into the court room, just to make you sweat and loose your nerve. Half the time it worked too! Grissom always seemed to have such a way with lawyers.

Grissom had a way with everything, which was one of the reasons Sara fell in love with him. At first she had a feeling that when her father was murdered she never really had a father figure and "looked for validation in inappropriate places" like chasing after a man sixteen years older then she. She has always been one to want to be the star pupil of anything, it was her goal. Being neglected as a child made her strive for attention. After getting to know Gil Grissom she really fell in love with him. At first it was lust and longing to be the star but after working side by side with him, she really, truly, loved him.

Which was why it hurt so bad to be ignored by him. It hurt so much that it drove her to alcohol.

But all that was past them now. And as her fingers reached up and cupped his knee, and watching the smile grow on his face it really did make all of the difference. He was a real geek lost in his own world and for whatever reason he wouldn't let her in. but the minute he let the female version of him in, it was too late to push her out.

The minute they pulled up to the lab it was easy to put on a façade. Nobody suspected them of having an intimate relationship and that was how they wanted it to be. Go to work have nobody pry into their personal life then they can go home and do what couples do.

They walked into the break room to find everyone already there talking quietly or drinking coffee thinking to themselves.

"Hey guys cutting time huh?" Warrick teased from his position on the couch.

Sara shrugged and sat next to him, in between him and Nick.

"So what is so urgent that you called us in super early?" Gil asked getting straight to business.

"Teri Miller's case. The trial was pushed to today, in just a few hours actually. I know everyone has their stuff ready but I just wanted to make sure we don't miss that trial. I want that girl put away." Catherine said and placed the folder down on the table.

"Only Sara, Greg, and I are going right?"

"Yes, but the rest of us are allowed to be in the audience."

"Remember guys, this isn't about hate. Sara, look at me." Sara's head was turned staring at the coffee pot. When she turned her head to look at him he continued, "This is about the evidence. That girl committed a murder and it is our job to give them the facts. Do not make this personal. If you personalize it then the lawyers will feed on that and devour you. Do you two understand me?" They both nodded their acknowledgements.

"Let's get changed, we can swing by your place Sara since I picked you up and then Greg we'll meet you at the court house. You guys too." With that said Sara and Grissom headed out.

"You know how much I love that skirt." Grissom growled when she walked out of the bathroom.

Sara laughed and winked, "Well you know how hot I get when you're in your suit."

"Oh I know."

They laughed and as quickly as they came in they walked out.

"Ready for this honey?"

"I guess, it's so hard for me to not be emotionally involved like you. I really have to take lessons from you." Grissom just shrugged.

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

She swore she blacked out. For whatever reason, she couldn't remember getting to the court room and meeting up with everyone before they all piled up into the court room. If she wasn't completely aware at this second she swore Grissom slipped her a sedative.

She sat next to Greg and Grissom next to Greg. They were in the front, just behind the lawyer fighting to have Teri put behind bars. They went through the introductions and the long boring speeches of what Teri Miller did to her baby girl. Teri was brought to the stand.

"Do you swear nothing but the truth and to tell nothing but the truth?"

"I do." She whispered.

"We may begin."

A middle aged man walked up, he had dark brown hair obviously his grays were covered by hair dye but he was still a handsome man in a well cut suit.

"Miss Miller can you please give us your side of the story?"

And she did. She went into full detail of how she could not remember but she had been slipped a date rape and just a month in a half after that she found she was pregnant. Her initial plan was to give the baby up for adoption but when the baby came she was alone and scared. Gave birth to her daughter in a bathtub. She cut the umbilical chord and pulled the placenta out flushing it down the toilet. After that she weakly carried the baby planning on to the orphanage. She caught sight of some peers from her old high school and freaked out. She placed the baby into the dumpster and wrapped her up in the bag.

"Miss Miller, why didn't you file a rape charge? We have no evidence what so ever to prove or back up your story."

"I… I was seventeen and didn't know what I should tell my parents. At the time they would have thrown me out."

"We understand that you must have been terrified miss Miller, but why harm this baby? Was your pride more important then saving this baby's life?"

"Objection!" The young blonde lawyer shouted. She was Teri's lawyer and a bitch at that.

"I'll allow it."

"I …. I freaked out… I wasn't thinking…"

Mr. Todd smiled sympathetically, "No more further questions, thank you Miss Miller."

Rebecca Freeman stood up and fixed her tight red mini skirt. Her perfectly manicured nails matched the apple red suit she wore.

"Miss Miller are you seeking psychiatric help for the unbearable situations you have gone through?"

"Yes mam."

"At the time you were claimed to have been mentally unstable?"

Again Teri nodded, "That is correct."

Rebecca nodded, "No further questions you may have a seat Miss Miller."

Joshua Todd stood up, "Will Gilbert Grissom please come to the stand?"

Gil stood up and walked over to the stand perfectly as if this has been rehearsed perfectly.

He stated his full name and that he swore to tell nothing but the truth and so it began. Sara studied his actions, taking on his tricks.

"At the crime scene we found nothing to suggest that Miss Miller is not telling the truth. Everything she has claimed is the truth. Although, there were major bruising around the baby's torso and arms." He paused and placed the slides up showing the bruising.

"We still have yet to find out what caused these bruises and the accused is not speaking."

"So is it possible that these bruises were sustained after post mortem?"

"No sir. These bruises were placed there before the baby died."

"Could it be bruises from passing through the birth canal?"

"No, there would be bruising around the head and possibly the arms but these bruises as you can see here," He clicked on his lap top to enhance the photo, "These are hand marks. The baby was grabbed roughly suggesting Miss Miller man handled the baby presumably to quiet her."

"Objection!" Rebecca shouted.

"Over ruled."

"A young girl, scared and not knowing what to do or how to do it probably roughly handled the baby in order to try and quiet her." Grissom continued.

"Thank you Mr. Grissom, I have no further questions." Mr. Todd said taking a seat.

"Ms. Freeman would you like to add anything?"

She shook her head, "No Your Honor."

"Very well, thank you Mr. Grissom. Will Greg Sanders please step up to the stand please?"

Greg slowly made his way to the seat and in the same order he was asked to give his statement on what evidence was brought in. He claimed everything Grissom did and more of the DNA evidence.

"DNA matches Sean Matthews as the father. Whether he really raped Miss Miller is not available in evidence. Although he has been interrogated. He denied any accusations and said it was consensual. We can't press charges without proof."

"Thank you Mr. Sanders no further questions. Will Sara Sidle please step up to the stand?"

Sara took a deep breath and stood up. She straightened her skirt and listened as her heels clicked across the cool tile in the court room. It was the only sound besides the occasional cough.

She took a seat and stated her name and just like everyone else swore by the truth. Sara went on to explain her findings and evidence which matches Grissom's and Greg's.

"I would like to believe Miss Miller's story, about how she was planning on going to the orphanage and take care of the baby, but with the bruises it makes it seem as though she had no intention of delivering the baby to a safe place." Sara explained.

Rebecca came waltzing up to her in those ridiculously high heels.

"If that was her original intent how do you explain finding the baby fifteen miles away from her house?"

"Hide the body. We see it all the time in our line of work. It is basic psychology; if we find a body miles away from the original link then it would seem that it can not be them."

"Ms Sidle you claim her intentions were to not drop the baby off at an orphanage, what do you think she could have done to prevent these events." Rebecca asked as she paced around the room.

"For starters she could have seen a psychologist, they do quiet counseling all the time. Even give out free programs without consulting the parents. Planned Parenthood would have taken care of her without ever letting the parents know. She would have had everything she needed and a safe place to give birth. They would have had all of the adoption papers ready and take the baby without her ever getting emotionally attached or detached. Adoption for this child really is the best thing for an unfit mother." Sara explained going into full dramatic mode but having to keep the emotion out of her voice.

"Like you Ms Sidle?" Rebecca straightened her skirt and came bounding up to the stand.

"Objection! Ms. Sidle's past has nothing to do with this case." Joshua cried from his seat.

"I wasn't talking about Sara's past, I was implying her trips to the adoption center."

"I … Don't understand the accusation."

"No? Let me spell it out for you." Mega Bitch walked over to her table and picked up a manila folder, "In the year of 2000 you gave birth to a Dylan Zachary with no last name. You gave him up for adoption and fled for Las Vegas."

"Objection! Ms. Sidle you do not have to answer this, this has nothing to do with our case."

"Sustained. What are you getting at Ms. Freeman?"

"That Sara Sidle thinks everything is a golden ticket when it comes to adoption. Isn't that right Ms. Sidle?"

Sara shook her head. This wasn't happening, that was a part of her life she never thought would reappear. This was a nightmare! She made mistakes in her life but for the most part she believed that this was one good thing. After all look how screwed up she was. How was she to raise a child when she couldn't even come to terms with her self?

"I was not fit to raise a child. He had no father and I couldn't raise a baby by myself, not with my line of work which keeps me away from the house at all hours. What I did was no illegal, I did not murder my own child." She whispered darkly.

Flashbacks of San Francisco came bearing back. She was twenty-six and scared. She planed to keep him, it was why she named him but then she freaked out at the last minute and decided she could not raise a child and gave him up for adoption.

"Of course you didn't and I am sure he is living a perfectly well life."

"I was adopted and I was brought up just fine." Sara argued. This bitch was tearing into her soul.

She gave her a distasteful look, "Right, well Ms Sidle did you know that four months ago Dylan Alex which would be… six now was placed back into the orphanage you placed him in. He was adopted a few months of being there and a horrible car accident left him parentless. That is a life wouldn't you say?"

"Objection! The cruel facts of life have nothing to do with Sara's decision!"

"I am done Ms Sidle you may have a seat."

Sara slowly stood up feeling dizzy from the adrenaline rush and somehow made her way over to her seat. She refused to make eye contact with anyone.

Sara was in a blur, after giving out the evidence and justification to what Teri Miller did the Jury finally came to a decision. Guilty.

Sara was up and out before anyone had any time to question her.

Grissom was in shock. She never mentioned this not ever. Maybe he could understand if they were just supervisor and subordinate but he was her lover now. They shared things that not everyone knew about. Her past was a secret to anyone that knew her and obviously she was keeping things from him too. He wouldn't hold it against her… he loved everything about her and the decisions she make are part of a learning experience. Although, women are more reserved, she probably felt unimaginable guilt for leaving a baby behind. He could understand why she never told him… but that still didn't take the hurt away.

"Sara… adoption?"

"Sara had a baby?"

"I knew Sara could be promiscuous but damn!"

"Shh She is probably upset!"

All kinds of things were being said and he didn't know what to say. The voices were buzzing around his head like a hot air balloon.

"Hey um… you guys heading back to the lab or home? It's my night off so I guess I'm heading home." Grissom said slowly.

"Um well we were going to head back home until shift starts tonight so yeah, guess we'll see you tomorrow or the next day whatever…" Catherine said standing up.

"Hey Grissom… Did you know? About Sara?" Greg asked quietly shuffling his feet.

"No… no I didn't. I think we should leave it at that."

They all agreed knowing this had to be a tough one for Sara and went their separate ways. Grissom spent fifteen minutes looking for her but finally he spotted her over by a fountain.

The sky was a dark grey and threatening to shed a downpour on their heads. The fountain Sara was seated next to was creating a soothing atmosphere, calming even his nerves. He took one look back up at the sky and then back down to Sara holding her hands and wringing them tightly. He sighed and set next to her. She didn't have to say anything for him to feel her anxiety.

They just sat there not speaking for several minutes, Grissom guessed at least seven minutes.

"He came two months early." If he wasn't concentrating on her breathing patterns he would have missed her words.

He said nothing but just continued to listen, although he did cock his head slightly to view her. She was deathly pale and her hair that was pulled back neatly was now slipping around her face.

"I was ready to keep him, that's how he had a name. I even bought him everything he needed, crib, baby clothes, diapers, everything. But when he showed up two months early I was terrified and fled to the hospital. I gave him up for adoption with all of his stuff the next day. I told myself, if I couldn't handle this surprise then there is no way I can handle taking on a baby whom is full of surprises."

Gil still said nothing, this wasn't about him right now. This was about Sara and needing to let go of her past. He took her hand reassuring her that no matter what he will always love her and protect her.

She sniffled tears falling down her cheeks, "Gil, take me home."

He didn't need to be told twice and took her by the waist being careful to not be too close to her in case somebody was watching but close enough to show that he did indeed care for her well being and silently they drove home in silence with her silent muffled cries. And god it broke his heart to hear her pain but not being able to do anything about it. He couldn't wait to be through the doors of their home and show her just exactly how deeply he cared for her.

**Well now we know about Sara's past! What will happen next for Grissom? Will this break them or make them?! Please review and thank you to everyone who reviewed prior!! **


	3. Flashbacks of Truth

**Title – Lamenting the Past**

**Disclaimer – I don't own CSI :(. **

**Summary – While on an emotionally, stressful case, Sara is shoved back into her past and worse her co-workers are witnessing it all. **

**Rating – T**

**Author's Note – This story takes place sometime between sixth and seventh season. Warning this story has disturbing situations. **

**Hey thank you to everyone who reviewed! I hope you guys find this story enjoyable. It is my first so this is kind of a practice round :)**

*** ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * **

Sources say when a traumatic event has happened or even a painful memory the brain will be able to mentally block it out. Repression is restoring the mind how it used to be before the painful events. Many people go through it when they get into a near death car accident or the loss of a loved one. The pain is still there, but it turns into a dull ache over time as the mind slowly picks out the more painful memories. Instead it focuses on the happier times. A near death experience can bring on fear but over time we forget the horrific images. If not for repression we would be in a box crouched on the floor hoping no more suffering will bestow upon us.

In the year 2000 Sara Sidle was a mess. She left a part of her behind and although it was the better choice for Dylan it still made her feel useless, disgusting, and worse a failure. She rarely ate, hardly slept, and of course stayed away from any kind of sexual relationships. She was a walking ghost, came to work maxed out her overtime and went home listening to police scanners.

Then the call came, Gilbert Grissom asked her to come join his team in Las Vegas. It was just what she needed to pull herself away from this horrible mess she put herself in. Over time she began to forget and heal. She never ever forgot her son Dylan, but she healed enough to enjoy life again.

She was becoming Sara Sidle again thanks to Gil Grissom. She was going back to her love for animals and the passion for protecting them from the cruelty people place on them. She was even writing her mother from prison telling her all about her life before she had been too ashamed. The best thing of all is that she was beginning to heal her heart and fall in love.

Ever since Sara was a little girl she was always trying to be the main pupil. She always drove to be number one, and was always seeking approval and acceptance, but she would always return to her home roots, a flower child. Her mother was like that, she was a real wild one at heart. Always at hippie concerts and always planting flowers of all kinds, even some weed was slipped in sometimes. Her mother was always dressed in dresses and skirts with sandals and her long brown hair tied into braids or let loose to wave freely in the wind. She would always take Sara in the back yard in the gardens and swing around laughing and dancing listening to all sorts of music while they planted roses and flowers.

They lived in Tamales Bay an hour and a half away from San Francisco so the farm areas were pretty popular. Sara would always run real far through the tall grass and come back home dirty, itchy, and sometimes bloody if she took a fall. Her mother would always tend to her every need. She was a loving and caring woman, always had a sensitive heart and non judgmental towards others.

Her father was a quiet man, never really talked. Did his job and came home with a bottle that smelt bitter and tart. The only time Sara really talked to her father was when he was screaming and yelling. Her mother always said when they were out in the garden planting, that he was once like her, but then the accident came. He hit his head against the side of the truck window when a drunk driver collided into him. At the time Laura was pregnant with Sara and her husband was hospitalized for a month. Finally Gary Sidle woke up, but he was no longer Gary Sidle. Laura always said she would continue to take care of him and love him, no matter what.

What Sara didn't know as a child made sense now. Her father sustained horrible head injuries during the accident, and he became violent. He would burst into these violent outbreaks and hurt her mother and even sometimes Sara.

Sara always thought the beatings were normal. She would play outside with her mother dancing and planting flowers of all kinds, but during the night the already tender bruises would turn to a darker color. Sara hated sunset, it meant the demons would come out and hurt her mother. Sara as a child didn't know it, but looking back now she could see that her mother was dying mentally. She would always laugh and take everything with a grain of salt but during the years her laugh would become hollow.

One day while Sara was playing outside trying to dance like her mother did, skirt flying with the wind and her long brown hair untamed and free with the wind she heard a horrible shriek. Sara was used to this. Her mother told her to stay outside when her father was around. She did, but today was different. This felt different, not right. So Sara stopped spinning around and slowly made her way towards the tiny white house on a 3 acre land territory.

Sara stuck her head into the door and her cinnamon eyes widened in shock. Her mother Laura was on the floor crying and covering her face. Blood poured from her temple onto her blue skirt. Sara instantly ran to her mother's side. She was warned against ever interfering with Gary's temper and she quickly realized why. Before Sara could reach her mother her hair was pulled and she slid to the floor gasping in pain. A painful thud hit her across the cheek, she tasted blood instantly. She could hear screaming from her mother and incoherent yells coming from her father as he relentlessly picked her up by her long hair and threw her to the floor. She was starting to fade out, her head was bleeding and she felt her chest start to protest against the constant hits. And then it stopped. It was all gone and for a moment she thought she was dead but the throbbing pain told her she wasn't.

The warm thick liquid fell on her dress and onto her left cheek and arm. She looked up fearing her father was going to do something worse but he was clutching his chest as large amounts of blood came spilling out. Sara continued to watch as he fell down coughing up blood and sputtering words that did not make any sense. His hand reached for her leg but Laura kicked his hand away. Her eyes looked up to see her mother holding the fireplace poker and covered with blood. Her eyes were wild and scared. She fell to the floor dropping the tool and wrapped Sara in her arms crying and whispering words of encouragement. Sara was motionless.

The minute Sara heard siren's her mother gave out a heart wrenching sob, "Sara baby," she tilted her head upwards, "Look at me, baby I am going away for a while. Hold out your palm." Sara did as told and felt something being placed there. "My heart is with you now. I love you baby, I love you, I love you." She kept saying the words over and over and over until men with their guns drawn burst into the house. They picked Laura up and away from Sara, and still she kept yelling, 'I love you'.

She was scared stiff, not knowing what to think or do. Was this a nightmare she often has during the nights? They have never been like this. Where was her mother going? What was wrong with her father? Why was her mother screaming 'I love you' over and over? What was happening?! So many questions were buzzing around in her head that she never noticed the footsteps approaching her.

She sat in a puddle of her father's blood and looked down. In her palm was a Lotus flower. It was the first plant they planted straight from Hawaii. It died and came back to life, and it was extremely hard to take care of, but they did it. Together they did it.

A woman with short blonde hair kept asking Sara questions but Sara wasn't hearing them so she took her hand and led her away from the massacre. She kept talking and introduced herself, but Sara was mentally gone. All she could remember was holding tightly onto the woman's hand, never letting go.

Sara has had plenty of repressions in her life. The beatings were always suppressed, then the murder of her father and then her decision to give up Dylan.

All of these memories came crashing into her as if the repression was broken and shattered. She lay in bed wrapped in a fetal position sobbing and crying out. Gil was in the shower and left for just a few moments and that was all the time she needed to break down. Her sobs were becoming so erratic that she couldn't even breathe. She was gasping and coughing trying to pull in air but her swollen throat would not cooperate.

Gil was by her side instantly holding her up in his arms, "breathe, baby breathe. Take a deep breath and breathe." His hair was wet but he was in clean pajamas.

She took a giant shuddering breath and took another slowly letting air into her passageway. It took so much exertion that she fell back on the bed breathing heavily and tears still falling down her temples.

However long time passed Sara was not sure. She lay on her side towards the large balcony windows watching as the rain fell steadily against the glass. The lighting would flash and then came the loud crack of thunder. Gil lay beside her spooning close to her body, both arms around her, as if to protect her. And although he wanted nothing more then to take her pain away he could not save her from her own mind. This was her battle.

He would be her constant, always be her ground when she needed one but for now the best thing for her is peace and quiet, no questions just peace and quiet. And that's what they did for hours just listening to the rain and thunder.

He fell asleep, but he was jolted away when he felt her shift and move to sit upright. Grissom sheepishly sat up also, had she been sleeping also?

"I need you to know something Gil." Her voice was so low and far away.

Grissom nodded not wanting to interrupt her.

"I'm telling you this because… you need to know. You may not understand but you have to know, it's the right thing to do."

He sat patiently listening to her as she lay motionless looking towards the floor re living her memories.

_* FLASHBACK *_

"Who teaches entomology?" Katelyn muttered pulling her socks on, she looked up at her room mate pulling on her jeans over her shapely hips. Sara Sidle, total geek but a total babe. They've had their shares of experimentation and although it was sexually appetizing, she and Sara preferred men.

Katelyn was surprised at Sara's promiscuous behavior, for someone who was such a brain sure loved sex and men, in that order.

"Who are we to judge, I mean it is a mandatory class."

"Yeah … hey Sara just think! Soon we will be promoted to CSI III!!" The red head squealed.

Sara smiled also, that thought alone gave her motive to go to this entomology seminar.

The two girls walked out of their apartment and made their way to the school campus, "You know they say this guy Gil Grissom came from Las Vegas and amazingly enough he is a dull speaker. How can someone from Vegas and be dull?"

Sara shrugged her shoulders and pulled her shoulder length hair into a pony tail as they walked up the steps leading to the science building.

When they gathered into the classroom a middle aged man stood behind the podium pulling some papers and notebooks from his bag he looked up when he saw that the two girls had entered. He smiled warmly at them.

"Ah, the first to arrive are always the ones that shine the brightest." He said.

Sara could only stare and smile back as best she could before her friend drug her along to a seat. That man had the most gorgeous eyes she has ever seen. Not to mention he was handsome. He wasn't drop dead sexy but he sure was a good looking man.

His lecture was intriguing, especially how he went into depth about how just a simple pupa could determine just how long a body has been dead for. She would smile as she realized how excited he was over these facts of bugs. She only heard some of the stuff he was saying the other half she was working up the courage to try and ask him to dinner.

After the speech everyone got up and left, some people gave out nice speech words and left.

Sara was slowly putting her papers into her bag, "Hey Katelyn, you go ahead, I'm going to ask a few questions."

The red head looked over her shoulder shrugged, "sure you do." With that said she slung her bag over her shoulder and left.

Sara approached Mr. Grissom and waited a few minutes for him to finish packing up his belongings.

Finally fed up she cleared her throat. He looked up surprised, "Oh, I'm sorry I thought everyone had left."

Sara laughed lightly and shifted from one foot to the other, "I was actually intrigued by your speech."

"Well that is pleasant surprise, most people fall asleep during these things."

She laughed again and looked down towards his hand, good no ring. "I'm Sara, Sara Sidle." She placed her hand out.

He took it and gave off a wide smile, "You already know my name."

"So how long have you been a CSI specializing in entomology?"

"Oh years, but hey I am starving, would you like to join me for lunch? My treat!" he asked grabbing the last of his bags.

Sara raised her eyebrow, wow that was easy, "I can buy my own lunch."

"Nonsense, my treat, it's not everyday I get someone so interested in my line of work. I mean… dead bodies is one thing, but add bugs in the mix and it's a little over the top."

Sara laughed as she followed him out of the classroom and apparently to his car, "My weakness is saliva. When people spit or drool… I gag… pathetic really."

"Not at all," He opened the back seat of his car and threw his stuff in and then opened her side of the car, "Everyone has to have a weak spot, it's human nature. We find stuff that make us tick and what makes us interested." He shut her car door and quickly got to his side starting the car and taking off.

"I was thinking of this sandwich place near by, I heard it's amazing."

"Oh yes, right up here on the left, called Ally Daily Subs, oh best Italian subs you can possibly imagine. Like a Ma and Pa business."

"Sounds perfect!"

They talked about their careers and the many different cases they have been on and then how Gil liked it here in San Francisco, she admitted to living in California her whole life. They were talking for hours that they didn't even realize the sun was beginning to set. They have never met anybody to be so mentally stimulating.

"My father was a Botanist, and my mother was a stay out home mom. I was an only child which could be why I am sort of socially inept." He grinned. Sara wasn't sure if he was serious or not, he seemed social to her.

"I'm an only child too… not to good in the social area either."

"What about your mother and father?"

For a moment Sara's eyes glazed over but she quickly shook her head and stirred her iced tea.

"Well I grew up in Tamales bay on a farm. My mother was a huge flower child, so she grew nothing but flowers outside in our garden. When I was little I would dance with her in the yard. She was a beautiful person inside and out."

"She sounds amazing. Was it just the two of you?"

She looked at him, opened her mouth and looked away. She caught a glimpse of her watch, "Oh geez, it's closing time! We've been here all day!"

He looked outside surprise written everywhere on his features and saw that it was now night time. "Amazing, you have kept me entertained since this afternoon."

"And you too Mr. Grissom."

"Please Gil, would you like to get a cup of coffee?" he stood up and paid for their meal leaving a rather large tip for staying so long. He held out his arm for Sara to grab which she happily obliged. "I have this great coffee shop right in the lobby of this hotel I am staying at. Afterwards I'd be more then happy to take you home."

"Coffee sounds great." They walked back to his car and before they knew it they were at his hotel.

The coffee shop was tiny but adorable, they took refuge at two love seats by the door after ordering their coffees and already they were immersed in their interesting conversations.

"You know your bugs sound a lot interesting then my minerals and elements."

"All of our specialties combined make up a great team. Back home I have a blood splatter analysis, a video and electronics specialist, a mechanic specialist and so on. I do not think I have fallen across a mineral and element specialist though."

She sipped at her coffee and smiled, "Well perhaps somebody will come along."

"You are very intriguing, how far along are you from becoming CSI level III?"

"Oh not to far behind, I want to say fifteen more cases."

"Wow just around the corner."

She nodded, "So how long have you been a supervisor for?"

"A long time, Jim Brass is the head of our department right now."

They talked for another couple hours before finally Sara yawned.

"Oh man, I've been over talking again, way past your bed time." He teased.

Sara glared and smirked standing up, "No I'm not tired I've actually had a wonderful time!"

They both walked out of the coffee shop and headed towards his car when Sara, for whatever crazy intentions got in her, twirled around and kissed his cheek, "Thank you so much for such a lovely evening."

"Oh no thank you." His voice was evenly low and her lips were so close to his, and her eyes were hazy… that smell of honey and cinnamon matched perfectly with her eyes and hair color. Everything about her was enticing. It was most likely him who started it, but whoever it was they were soon engaged in a wet, hot, sensual, tongue wrestle. Her hands were on his neck sliding up to the nape of his neck and back down to his chest burying her hands in his shirt. His hands were lower, on her back moving up towards her back ribs squeezing gently and back down to her hips.

"A hem." They broke apart breathing rather heavily. His eyes were wild and her cheeks were flushed. Both were heavily intoxicated by lust.

Behind them was a middle aged balding man looking annoyed.

"This is a hotel, go bump and grind in a room." He stated rudely and stalked off.

Sara laughed awkwardly. Gil turned to leave towards the parking lot but she stayed behind grabbing his hand and forcing him to turn and look at her. He turned to look at her with curious eyes. But he saw it all in her ocher eyes. Lust, she wanted him, bad, as much as he wanted her. And the game began.

Somehow they made it to his hotel room without loosing a single piece of their clothing. She had his tie, over coat and belt in her hands by the time they entered. She threw them on the floor and backed away from him slamming the door. She slipped out of her shoes and was thankful she wore her slip-ons instead of sneakers and thankful for the fact that she shaved her legs this morning.

She quickly lifted her shirt off standing before him in only her purple bra and brown skirt. Grissom wasn't exactly sure what he was doing, but here was this tiny, beautiful student standing in front of him half naked, and he really couldn't be happier.

She was on him faster then a rabid fan over a rock star for an autograph on their tush, pulling and tugging at his buttons. She finally got his shirt off and wasted no time in licking him up and down, imprinting his taste in memory forever. He shuddered as her silky tongue slid up his chest and up his neck.

She slipped out of her skirt and he had to bite his lip before letting out a guttural groan. She was back up and wasted no time pressing her hips tightly to his that he really did let out a moan. She smirked devilishly and started working on his pants. He caught her fingers and looked her in the eye.

"I… I don't do this… I've never …." She knew what he was saying, and wanted more then anything to let him know that this isn't her. But truth be told, she really was promiscuous, not as bad as some people but for someone as socially inept as her she sure did get around.

The only relief she could give him was a smile and a gentle, yet tantalizing kiss he couldn't deny. It worked, because the next thing that was happening, his pants were on the floor with his briefs following right after and she was on her back having every part of her body kissed by his hot mouth.

She laughed out loud, he probably thinks she is insane but this was the best thing ever! All she wanted was to go out to dinner and here they were about to have sex. Yes this really was a good day.

Gil opened his eyes and for a moment his heart fluttered when he felt a warm breath on his chest but relaxed when he felt that familiar sore feeling in his loins. Then the memories came crashing back.

A one night stand with his star pupil. Was that was this was? A one night stand? Did he want more with her? It would never work… they lived miles apart. She was amazing, he would admit to that. Not only was she intelligent, but she was funny and damn did she have good stamina. He almost couldn't keep up!

He has had multiple partners, but he never felt truly open before, with her he felt as if she… could see him, see Gilbert Grissom and not just CSI Grissom.

He would be over her breathing heavily pushing slowly staring into her eyes, once in awhile she would throw her head back and moan but then come back up smiling and laugh. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever witnessed while make love. Was this making love?

He sighed and really couldn't answer that, all he knew was that he wanted nothing more then to get to know Sara Sidle.

The brunette stirred and looked up smiling. Seeing the bright sunshine hit the top of her un-brushed hair was so… domestic. She was divine.

"good morning."

"Morning."

"How do you feel?" He asked her as she rolled over keeping her sheets up to keep her modesty.

She smiled and looked at the ceiling, "Like I've never felt before." And she was honest. This man did things to her that she never felt before.

His cell phone rang at that moment. He wanted to curse it, but as a CSI it was hard to ignore. He grumbled and picked up his phone.

"Grissom."

He was silent for a minute or two and all Sara could hear was an occasional rumble of bass in the tone.

"You can't pull in anyone else?"

More silence.

"I suppose… yeah it's done I was just hoping for some more vacation here in San Francisco."

More bass rumbling, "Yes even I know how to take a vacation." She could hear the sarcastic tone.

"Yes I can be there in the afternoon, perhaps sooner."

He sighed heavily and clicked his phone shut.

"Short staffed?" She asked rolling over to pick up her shirt and toss it over her head.

"No, a body was found with bugs covering it from head to toe. Nobody wants to go near it, since they are spiders." He leaned down to pull on his clothes also. When he looked up Sara was already adjusting her skirt. The shine was gone from her posture.

"Sara?" He asked her as he buttoned up his shirt.

"Yes Gil?"

"Will you still stay in touch with me? I would love to see you again." For a moment he swore she was going to cry but the smile on her face said otherwise.

"Of course, yes… I was worried… that when you leave, you'd be … gone."

"That wasn't my intentions… at all." He leant down to hand her his number and e-mail. She did the same. They made their goodbyes and kissed, just like that she was gone and he was on a plane heading for Vegas. Her taste still lingered on his lips and the way her body would mold to his. She was something else.

For about a month in a half they never once stopped talking, if they weren't e-mailing each other they were talking on the phone about their recent case. It wasn't a romance, but there was flirting and a deep friendship.

Then the day came when Sara realized something was wrong. She started to wonder, and took her concerns to her room mate Katelyn. They sat down and watched the test for five minutes. The agony and tension was building.

"Oh!" Sara cried looking away, "I can't look what does it say?"

Katelyn was silent.

Sara turned around and frowned, "No…. no…. I …. No."

Sara was pregnant with Gil Grissom's baby.

For another month Sara was dreading telling Gil. She knew how busy he was with his life and career and just couldn't bring him into her problem. So she started to slowly stop talking to him. Their phone calls were getting fewer and fewer and as Sara began to grow closer and closer to the birth she was busy getting everything ready for the baby's arrival.

She was supposed to take her maternity leave but she was holding off trying to keep herself busy. She felt fine, and was rather small for seven months pregnant. So it was a shock when she felt the horrible pain wrack her body. She managed to get herself to the hospital. The doctors tried everything to sedate her, calm her, anything to keep that baby from coming but it was too late. She cried and cried, it was so painful emotionally and physically. She was alone giving birth to her son two months early. She was terrified.

As she sat in the wheelchair staring at her baby through the incubator she realized that if him coming early was a horrible shock then she couldn't keep him, babies were full of surprises. And she wasn't ready for this surprise. Not alone, and definitely not with this career.

"I'm sorry Dylan Zachery Grissom." She whispered against his glass tears pouring down her cheeks.

Once Dylan was released from the hospital being cleared of all health problems she took him straight to the adoption center along with all of his stuff.

After the adoption she was a horrible mess. She cried every day, spent most of her time lying away and wondering if her baby was alright. She was worthless for giving up. She kept trying to tell herself that with her career she in no position to care for a baby by herself.

A month went by and Sara was still in the same position. Utterly depressed. Grissom would still keep in contact with her but not as much since she rarely responded. Then, the call came. Gil Grissom himself was asking her to come to Vegas. They were horribly short staffed and one of their CSI's was in the hospital fighting for their life.

She agreed, thinking this was the chance she needed to heal.

She was surprised to arrive and find out he was the head of CSI now. What ever relationship they had was hidden away by inner shadows and it took a great deal of light to shine through but they made it.

_* END FLASH BACK *_

His eyes were wide but Sara couldn't see anything distinguishable in them. He had on his poker face.

She wiped the tears from her cheeks and sighed, "Gil? I… I'm sorry. Please… forgive me." She shut her eyes tight when she felt the bed dip and return to normal. She heard a scraping against the glass, and the front door slam.

He took his keys from the coffee table and took off. And she knew she deserved it.

_**WHEW!!! I am so sorry this chapter is so long. I thought about cutting it into two chapters but, I am nice and decided to get it all out. So how is this for a nice shocker? Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter!!**_


	4. Tabula Rasa

**Title – Lamenting the Past**

**Disclaimer – I don't own CSI :(. **

**Summary – While on an emotionally, stressful case, Sara is shoved back into her past and worse her co-workers are witnessing it all. **

**Rating – T**

**Author's Note – This story takes place sometime between sixth and seventh season. Warning this story has disturbing situations. **

**Hey thank you to everyone who reviewed! I hope you guys find this story enjoyable. It is my first so this is kind of a practice round :)**

*** ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * **

The minute the door slammed her soul shattered and came running down her cheeks in her tears. She always made the men in her life angry, after sleeping with them they would say they loved her, or something sentimental but Sara would brush it off with some rude comment or say nothing at all. The guy would get up in a huff obviously disgusted with her inability to be romantic after a passionate night and leave in a hurry being thorough to slam the front door just as Gil has done.

And never has it caused her emotional pain, sometimes she would feel regret at hurting another, or she would feel upset at how she was so emotionally detached. But when Gil, the love of her life slammed that door it felt worse then a slap to the face.

As her sobs wracked her body she felt the pain start from her chest and flowing down to her right arm. Was it possible for a broken heart to cause physical pain?

She lay on the bed for what seemed like a like time, but it was really just thirty minutes. Hank had kept her company, nudging her hand with his cold snout and whining every so often desperate for attention, anything to show him comfort that he is here for his mother.

Hank soon left her side and was scratching at the front door whining. Sara finally got up feeling sorry for her lovable companion. He must really hate the emotions flowing through the apartment. She walked up to the front door and frowned, why was he here instead of the back door? Was someone at the door?

She looked through the peephole and saw nobody on the front porch. She opened the door, leave it to Gil to leave it open in his furry, what if someone snuck in to kill her? Okay now that was just paranoia talking.

Hank slid between her legs and rushed to the corner attacking the source with his tongue. Gil was sitting on the floor keys in hand, trying to push hanks slobbering face away from his. Sara felt relief rush through her body at the thought of him not leaving her. He probably had that thought at first but it fled the minute cool air hit him, clearing his senses all thoughts seized.

She sat down next to him, saying nothing. Hank soon calmed down and laid his head on his daddy's foot. After a minute Gil's hand found Sara's and just held her, he was never good with words and didn't want to say anything to make the situation worse. So he took off. But he never made it to the car. Once he heard the door slam he winced knowing the shock he put on her. He leaned against the wall and took a deep breathe at the realization of the situation. He slid down the wall and let a few tears run down his cheeks. He was a father, he was a father and the moment passed him up. She took it away from him, but he really couldn't blame her. It was his fault, he slept with her and not only did he leave his heart with her, but he left a life with her. A heavy burden for such a soul with a heavy past.

This was his fault and he knew it.

"Let's take a trip to San Francisco." He said calmly.

"Gil…" She wanted to let it go, she couldn't go back, she made the choice and buried it deep within her soul just like everything else.

"No Sara, this is my fault and I want to make it right. I think we should go to San Francisco and see what Dylan is up too."

Sara got up quickly and walked back into the house. Hank and Gil were hot on her heels.

"Sara!" He shut the front door and caught her wrist, "Sara we have to. You won't be alone this time." He said softly.

"No Gil… He'll hate me. For what I did to him, he'll despise everything I am, he'll see the life I am living and hate me. Gil he will hate me." She was growing hysterical and she didn't care, it was true. She loved and hated her mother just the same. Even though her life was fucked up as a child she was content because she didn't know any better. She was put into foster care and although she had a nice family, there was still a missing void. A mother's love. Her foster family took care of her but they didn't love her like they loved their other children. Gifts and money were nothing compared to a tender huge, a kiss, and an endearment. Nothing compared to love.

"Do you want him to be stuck in more foster care homes?" Ouch. That struck home. She was just thinking about foster care when he made the low blow.

"We are not meant to be parents. I forgot to take Hank out and he had an accident, I can't forget about a baby! Even if he is six I still can't cook, and Gil I don't have the maternal skills needed to care for a child."

"Do you think I am any better then you? I shove my nose in a book and play with bugs. My social skills need work and the only woman who has given me her time was you and Sara I damn well believe if we can tackle our own personalities then god damn it we can tackle raising a child!"

She was shocked, what could she say to that? It was the truth, what was she running from? Shame? "Gil, look at our lives, we work constantly, we are never home…" She trailed off, not sure what to say.

Gil took her hand, "I think we both know what we need to do. You gave him up but now I think we are being given another chance. I think we should meet with him and see how things pan out. He is old enough to make his decision if he wants to come with us or not."

"So we will tell him that I gave him up… how do you tell a six year old about our one night stand and that I wasn't ready for a baby so I gave him up because I am selfish."

"We will tell him the truth, that I didn't know, so I was gone. You were emotionally unfit to give him the love he needs. It may not be what he will at first understand but for now it isn't as gruesome."

Sara sank to the floor feeling drained, emotionally and physically. Gil crouched and pulled her chin up. I will inform the lab tonight that after this ordeal today you need time off. And I will take time off also just to monitor you, make sure nothing happens to you. Pack your bags dear. We're going to get our life back."

*** ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ ***

They decided to fly to San Francisco to save time. They packed their bags and left Hank with the sitter, a teenage boy and younger little sister who loved baby sitting Hank for some extra cash during the summer.

Sara was an emotional wreck, she kept wringing her hands on the ends of her shirt. It was a simple tank top with the words Peace, Love, and Rock N' Roll were scrawled across her breasts. She had twisted it so heavily now the shirt seemed to look years old shoved between the bed sheets with how many wrinkles covered the shirt.

Since he started dating Sara he has tried little by little to stop her drinking. With the shadows she carried it was harder done then said, and right now with how stressed she is, she has already had four beers while waiting for the plane. He supposed today could be an excuse. He wasn't sure which was better, alcohol or smoking…

He just wanted to take all of Sara's fears, pains, any regrets… anything painful away. It was a stupid thought since her life is what made Sara, Sara Sidle but it why did she have to have such a fucked up life? Why does anyone have to have such horrible lives? Because without pain there would be no remorse… without remorse there would be no love without love there would be no consequences.

She passed out next to him hours ago, and when the plane finally landed he gently woke her up. Immediately once they got off the plane she dashed for the bathrooms. Apparently the beers she had were finally settling in her bladder.

Once she rejoined him they made there way out of the busy airport and rented a car. San Francisco was a new beginning but also an end for them. This is where she met Gil, during his entomology lessons they had scurried away for lunch. During the walk to the restaurant they walked across the beach and took a picture facing the famous San Francisco Bridge. It was now posted on his fridge in their house.

This was where their baby had been conceived, but also left behind. This was where Sara lost her family, but now, with Gil perhaps they could reclaim their new family.

"Gil?" Sara shifted in the seat of their rented car, "I just want you to know that I didn't do this to cause problems… or run from my problems. I did this because…"

"Dear you do not have to explain yourself to me. I was not around to help you. I made a poor decision in leaving you behind."

"How were you to know? I never told you. You had a life back in Vegas. You didn't force me to have with you Gil, in fact as I remember I initiated it. I … I missed a pill the week before. When I asked my doctor about it after I was pregnant he said missing a pill means being careful during sex because it means I have to wait a full month before the pills regain their full birth controlling affects. Gil it was my fault, I was too stubborn to ask for your help."

"This is why I don't want to get into this argument. What is done is done. I do not hold anything over you, nor do I look at you differently. We will see what we can do and go from there." He was never good with words but Sara seemed to understand his need for understanding and kept quiet the rest of the way.

Truth was, he was upset Sara never told him. Would things be different? Would they be married? Would she be working day shift and he night shift supervisor? Would they have more kids or live in a bigger home? He shook his head… He knew Sara was probably dying to tell him. But would he tell himself if he were in her position? Someone as strong as she, having an affair with an older man, her teacher no less and then finding out she was carrying his baby. What if she assumed he had someone waiting for him back in Vegas? She only met him once… she probably didn't want to burden him. This really was a confusing ordeal.

They finally made it to the orphanage using the GPS system. It was away from busy civilization and Sara had to admit it was a beautiful drive. A narrow dirt road of approximately two miles carried them to a large Victorian style house. Very odd in the city of San Francisco but it looked well out here away from the city. It was hidden by large tropical trees and lush green grass on every square foot of the large home. Children were playing in the front yard laughing and screaming.

Behind the house was the ocean, simply beautiful. Sometimes Sara missed living near the water. Now all she got was dirt, and giant sky scrapper buildings.

They stepped out of the Honda Sedan and Sara waited for Grissom to take her hand. They had previously called the Matron and explained everything. Luckily she was the woman Sara spoke to six years ago when she first gave Dylan up. She was very surprised and pleased to see Sara coming back. She always tried to take Sara out of it, but in the end Sara left in chocking sobs and no baby in her arms.

With Gil holding tightly to her hand they walked up the gravel road towards the large double door entry and knocked on the door. Some kids were curious and hid behind trees and bushes trying to get a better look at possible parent figures. Others ignored them carrying on about their business. Probably had one too many possible adoption patrons that turned out sour.

A woman with long black hair and stunningly pale skin for living so near the ocean opened the door. She had wrinkles around her eyes and a few wrinkles around her lips when she smiled. Her large azure eyes were filled with happiness as she pulled the door open wider allowing Sara and Gil to waltz in. Her name was Talia Kramid and she was the same woman from so long ago.

"Sara!" She hugged her tightly and lovingly. She had a mother's touch, "Oh it is so good to see you again!" She backed away and extended her hand to Gil, "My name is Talia nice to meet you Gil."

"Like wise," he said shaking her hand. Her hands were warm, surprising for how pale her skin is. He imagined her skin to be clammy.

"Please, please follow me!" She rushed by, she was about the same height as Sara but her legs were smaller, Sara had a smaller waist but long, oh so long legs. Talia wore a long gray dress with black sandals and as she breezed along the hall way Sara and Gil caught glimpses of children of all kinds staring at them with big eyes. They both wondered the same thing. Which one of these children was Dylan?

Talia guided them through dark cherry wood doors and shut it once they entered keeping the kids out.

"Okay," She pulled out a rather small folder and opened it, "Dylan was sent back here when his parents were killed during the accident. They had two other children and left everything to them. They other two kids were sent to their father's parents. They claimed three were too many children and sent Dylan back." She shook her head at the cruelty.

Sara frowned feeling guilty. Gil took her hand to comfort her.

"So it was written here that Dylan has known all along that he was adopted. He was treated well but never got the same love as his brothers did. This is coming from the therapist we have here. He is a very intelligent boy, remarkable, already in the third grade and he is only six! He doesn't have any health problems but I recommend still seeing a therapist, it helps with settling in with new parents. Also he has just lost his foster parents, it might do him some good." She pulled out some papers and handed them over to Sara and Gil, "Now I realize both of you have decided on letting Dylan choose on going with you or not but I still need you two to sign here before I can let you chat with him. Just so we can keep this on record."

Gil and Sara signed and Talia stood up. Nervously Sara stood up with Gil's help. This was it. As Talia led them out of the room and back into the hallway guiding them outside, this time in the backyard Sara began to feel sick with nausea. What if he told her he hated her? What would she do?

Talia smiled warmly and pointed over to large rocks with a little boy sitting on top of them reading a book. The ocean waves crashed soothingly against the shore and it was most likely a nice atmosphere for reading a book.

"There he is, when you are ready I will be in my office." She turned to leave and Sara felt panic rising in her chest.

"I can't do this…" Her breathing was hitching.

Gil turned to her and grabbed her shoulders, "I know this is hard but we have to meet him. Come on honey." He took her hand and together they made their way over to the rocks. There he was, Dylan Zachary Grissom hopefully. He wore shorts and was barefoot, his t-shirt was a brown color with the band The Beatles printed on it. He was reading a book with pictures of grasshoppers on the pages.

Sara took the first step and sat down next to him. Grissom leaned against the rocks on the other side examining the young boy. He had dark hair and light brown eyes. He looked a lot like himself and as Dylan sat there reading a grasshopper book he couldn't help but swell with pride. This was his son. His and Sara's son.

"Hi … Dylan." Sara said softly.

He looked up and smiled softly setting down his book, "hello."

"Um, my name is Sara, this is… my husband. Gil." Gil raised an eyebrow, husband? She probably felt it was easier explaining.

"Oh… I heard about you." He said looking down.

"Heard about us?"

Dylan nodded, "My parents have always told me that I was adopted. When they passed away my grandparents wouldn't take me in. When I came here Talia told me about you two. You're my mom huh?" He looked up at Sara.

Her eyes were wide, not only was she shocked at the words spewing from this child's mouth, but he was incredibly smart. She felt as if she were talking to a young teen.

"Dylan…" She started.

"It's okay, Talia always told me that you were a nice person, you just couldn't handle the emotional stress. She always said you had a heart that would come back."

Tears were beginning to form. How awful… how horrible she was. This baby had to suffer because of her selfishness. Well never again, she would love this child unconditionally.

"Dylan," She reached her hand out, "If you will let me, we would love to make a new start. I've made mistakes and now, that we are given this opportunity… I would love to take you home." She bit her lip and looked at Grissom, "Your father… is here to help me now and… you do not have to stay but … would you like to spend the weekend with us?" This was so awkward. This was a six year old. She was giving him a choice to live with them, to become part of their family. Were they ready for this? It didn't matter anymore… she and Gil took the step of loving each other and the outcome was a baby, now they had to step up and care for this child.

He looked serene for a moment but then as if suddenly coming to a conclusion he stood up, "A weekend sounds nice to get to know you." His smile was broken, but it was just like Sara's when she was young. This baby could be fixed and healed just like she was. It broke her heart to have caused this kind of a life for him… but she couldn't dwell on the past anymore. As Sara reached out to take Dylan's hand he took it and Grissom was by her side in an instant taking her waist. He smiled at the young boy, he had Sara's nose but he had his lips.

They had a weekend to rectify the past and start a new beginning. They walked off the shoreline and signed some papers and Dylan was theirs for the weekend. He would be back and make a decision on letting them become his official parents. It was strange as Sara walked with his tiny hand in hers to their car. She kept swallowing her tears and took pride in how handsome he is, how much of his features he took on from his parents.

Yes Sara and Gil both knew what had to be done. They had to win the heart of a six year old they had abandoned years ago. Somewhere in the mix they needed to also get married… but for now they settled on concentrating on their newest edition.

_**Hey guys so sorry for the delay!! I have been super busy. My sister had a baby so that's been keeping me away from writing haha. Oh the joys of having a new edition added in the family. I am so sorry if you guys can't believe the story line of having a six year old speak like that. but I met a rather intelligent six year old and that's what intrigued me to write the dialogue. Anyways, just a few more chapters left of this story, just to clear some stuff up. Please read and review! Oh and I will be in Vegas for a week so I won't get much writing done, but I sure will try! **_


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